Where's My Change? Part 2

Ok, so on to Part 2, and I'll try to be more brief about some of the changes in married life.

Organization- Yes, yes, if you know me, you know that's a foreign if not four-letter word to me. Organization to me is simple: it means what seems simplest at the time... not always translating to real efficiency. Chantelle has very detailed organizational skills that are highly efficient, but they follow rules that exist largely in her mind and are therefore highly mysterious. Why does the folder not go with the other folders? I don't know. Still, it's very positive. I'm getting more organized and productive especially around the house. I worry it's more self-preservation than good character. I work harder to clean and such because Chantelle hasn't been able to as much and the mess will drive her to distraction. It also teaches humility as the reforming slob, now has to deal with the frustration of his former sins.... Honey, can you please leave the dishes in the general area of the sink?

Emotions- No, no, I'm not talking about the mysteries of the temperament of my bride. It's mine that are driving me crazy more often. I thought I generally had a solid grasp on my temper, but suddenly I've got all these new triggers. I'm even tempered, generally, but suddenly I find myself wanting to hit a girl. That's bad! Fortunately, it wasn't Chantelle, but her former advisor, who seemed... difficult. Additionally, my temper flares up because though I understand how my emotions work, my other part is still getting the hang of it. So you try and explain what happens normally in you, and find you're back at square one. What took me 30 years to understand, I now have to start relearning in a way I can explain. FUN!

Rest- As Chantelle said so delicately, I snore. The truth is, I roar softly. Chantelle, being as sweet-spirited as she is, has developed a gentle system of stopping it... she elbows me until I quit. So how twisted is it that now I sleep better in the same bed being jabbed periodically than when apart? Additionally, our ideas of relaxing are very different. Going out is part of external life to me... home is end game, the finish line. For her, home is a staging area, of sorts. It's the launch pad for getting out into life. So I'm learning, that when it's busy or tiring, that often means it's time to go somewhere.... very counter-intuitive for me. And then there's the home improvement aspect of rest and responsibility. I had the mistaken idea that home improvement was something you did so that you could stop and not have to do it anymore. Chantelle comes from a family for whom it is a hobby... which I found delightful. So much talent, so much creativity, so much energy, so much future assistance.... oh yeah, so much to do already. But it's good too, because I have an even more profound respect for her creativity. How can she see something totally different about that wall than all the others? She's teaching me to be more willing to invest in what I would have otherwise tended to think of as empty trappings.

Where's My Change? Part 1

It's hard to believe that Chantelle and I are coming up on 4 months of marriage. In some ways, it's like we've barely begun, yet in others, it's hard to think of a time when we were not married. So, here, in no particular order are some running ideas about married life and how it's changing us, from my perspective.

Communication- It gets hammered into us from every angle that communication is at the heart of successful marriage. Well, it's all true and then some. God really blessed us that we started well, with lots of talking and had very good friends and counselors who encouraged that process. Still, it's amazing how much it only scratches the surface of communication once the marriage starts. Maybe being in such a small space presses the issue, but really, it's just the complexity of oneness. There's this person who's always there and in every facet of your life. At times, it's a little crowding, like you're back to being a teenager, with someone always wanting to know where you're going, who with, when you'll be back; etc. At other times, it's just staggering that there's still so much to talk about. I think I understand now, why some newlywed friends told us last year that sometimes, "you just want to NOT have another conversation about something new." Still, it's astounding how enjoyable it is to have someone with whom to share everything. Probably what we’re learning most about is how to interpret each other. It’s amusing that though we both have had training in multiple languages and can probably carry on actual dialogue in English or Spanish, we still need a translator. Between non-verbal cues and the mental ideas behind what is said, “Is that what you meant?” has been repeated aplenty. Pastor James was right on and a huge help in pointing us towards toward striving to hear, rather than be heard. It’s so much easier to be defensive and demanding. We ask forgiveness a fair amount, but I don’t want to think about what would have happened if we hadn’t had instruction in this beforehand.

Priorities- Guys hanging out talk about how their recently married friends disappear. If they are a little less tactful, they talk about the ball and chain or having to getting “Mommy’s” permission before you can go out. I’ve seen it before. Sadly, I’ve been part of those annoyed discussions that at times, though I managed to steer away from the really cruel comments, if recollection serves. I always knew you had to cut some slack to newlyweds, but I always thought it was mostly because they were lost in the physical intimacy of marriage. After all, sex is so much on our society’s mind, it made sense that when you get the chance to enjoy it the right way, you can lose your head a bit. While that can be partially true, I think I’m beginning to understand things more fully. You disappear partly because you have to. Those friends of mine… we have had years, even decades to know each other and develop our relationships and sync our schedules and such for time together. It’s been great. But we still managed to find points of disagreement and annoyances on occasion. Now, I suddenly have a friend who is so close that she is there pretty much 24/7. She’s great, but let’s face it, we’re not always on the same page. She has the most bizarre ideas sometimes (tell no one but so do I at times). We haven’t had decades to adjust to those pressures. So you disappear for survival in some ways. If you don’t devote major time, you’ll rip each other to shreds. You also do it because you’re already starting to become one. It may not happen over night, but you are loving this person as yourself, so they take precedence. And that’s the silliness of the ball and chain comments. Do I have to ask permission? Yes!!! Her opinion matters… quite frankly, far more than yours. If she isn’t integrated into my decisions, then I royally screwed up something here. I shoot myself in the leg (thank you Plaxico Burress). It’s not perfect. It chafes at times, no doubt. But it’s happening without even thinking about it in some ways, which I guess means it’s moving forward well.

This is growing long fast, so I'll have to break it up into pieces.