It's hard to believe that Chantelle and I are coming up on 4 months of marriage. In some ways, it's like we've barely begun, yet in others, it's hard to think of a time when we were not married. So, here, in no particular order are some running ideas about married life and how it's changing us, from my perspective.
Communication- It gets hammered into us from every angle that communication is at the heart of successful marriage. Well, it's all true and then some. God really blessed us that we started well, with lots of talking and had very good friends and counselors who encouraged that process. Still, it's amazing how much it only scratches the surface of communication once the marriage starts. Maybe being in such a small space presses the issue, but really, it's just the complexity of oneness. There's this person who's always there and in every facet of your life. At times, it's a little crowding, like you're back to being a teenager, with someone always wanting to know where you're going, who with, when you'll be back; etc. At other times, it's just staggering that there's still so much to talk about. I think I understand now, why some newlywed friends told us last year that sometimes, "you just want to NOT have another conversation about something new." Still, it's astounding how enjoyable it is to have someone with whom to share everything. Probably what we’re learning most about is how to interpret each other. It’s amusing that though we both have had training in multiple languages and can probably carry on actual dialogue in English or Spanish, we still need a translator. Between non-verbal cues and the mental ideas behind what is said, “Is that what you meant?” has been repeated aplenty. Pastor James was right on and a huge help in pointing us towards toward striving to hear, rather than be heard. It’s so much easier to be defensive and demanding. We ask forgiveness a fair amount, but I don’t want to think about what would have happened if we hadn’t had instruction in this beforehand.
Priorities- Guys hanging out talk about how their recently married friends disappear. If they are a little less tactful, they talk about the ball and chain or having to getting “Mommy’s” permission before you can go out. I’ve seen it before. Sadly, I’ve been part of those annoyed discussions that at times, though I managed to steer away from the really cruel comments, if recollection serves. I always knew you had to cut some slack to newlyweds, but I always thought it was mostly because they were lost in the physical intimacy of marriage. After all, sex is so much on our society’s mind, it made sense that when you get the chance to enjoy it the right way, you can lose your head a bit. While that can be partially true, I think I’m beginning to understand things more fully. You disappear partly because you have to. Those friends of mine… we have had years, even decades to know each other and develop our relationships and sync our schedules and such for time together. It’s been great. But we still managed to find points of disagreement and annoyances on occasion. Now, I suddenly have a friend who is so close that she is there pretty much 24/7. She’s great, but let’s face it, we’re not always on the same page. She has the most bizarre ideas sometimes (tell no one but so do I at times). We haven’t had decades to adjust to those pressures. So you disappear for survival in some ways. If you don’t devote major time, you’ll rip each other to shreds. You also do it because you’re already starting to become one. It may not happen over night, but you are loving this person as yourself, so they take precedence. And that’s the silliness of the ball and chain comments. Do I have to ask permission? Yes!!! Her opinion matters… quite frankly, far more than yours. If she isn’t integrated into my decisions, then I royally screwed up something here. I shoot myself in the leg (thank you Plaxico Burress). It’s not perfect. It chafes at times, no doubt. But it’s happening without even thinking about it in some ways, which I guess means it’s moving forward well.
This is growing long fast, so I'll have to break it up into pieces.
No comments:
Post a Comment